Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Going round in circles

Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever learn.  My spiral into my most recent depression was accelerated by having a lot on at work, feeling stressed and just taking on more and more work in order to prove to people I could do it.   In the end I just couldn’t do everything, I worried about letting people down, I worried that they would think less of me, they would realise I was as rubbish as I knew I was.  So I just had to keep working to hide the fact that underneath I was rubbish.   In the end I would work all day and all evening.  I had to take an hour out to put my daughter to bed, I would then lie on her bedroom floor crying because I couldn’t work out what to do next and how to get out of the hole I was in.   In the end I got out as when I got signed off work, and finally quit my job and took what is meant to be a less stressful role.  Severe depression called for some drastic steps.

So now to the present day, I’m in the new job.   I can see the cycle repeating, I am volunteering to take on lots of work, I want to show everyone I can do well.   However, I’m starting to reach that point where I have too much to, I’m not quite sure how it’s going to get done in the time I have available.   But this time I am conscious of the cycle and I can see the way its heading, so I can try and stop it before the problem beyond repair.   I’ve been reading about mindfulness, so I try to stop and think about what I am doing and how I can get out of the circle.  Unlike last time, I now ask for help.  Other people want to be involved and are happy to help, so it might not be a negative mark against me to ask.   I beginning to realise I don’t have to do it all on my own.  Maybe at times I can learn.

1 comment:

  1. I try to be everything but lately, I can't keep it up. I have learn to let go before I have a total breakdown.